What will make me happy?

I'll start with the first thing that comes to mind, and go from there.

Success in the things I care about will make me happy. Right now, I really care about my music. Competitions and such are nice, sure, and I work hard to do well in them. But, at the end of the day, the most important thing is how well I played. If I can say that I would have enjoyed hearing my own performance from the audience, then I am content. If I can’t say that, then it doesn't matter whether I scored well or won the competition or passed the test. I will be unhappy.

But that brand of happiness seems to be kind of fleeting.

I think I am most happy when I feel like I am contributing to something. Whether it’s the hallways at homecoming or the conversation at the dinner table, If I am positively affecting the situation I am usually happy. I also get pretty unhappy when I’m negatively affecting a situation.

Another aspect of my own happiness is belonging. I need other people to accept me for me to be happy. This includes family, friends, even rivals. If the person I am competing with doesn’t accept me as a worthy competitor, I get uneasy and upset (although this can be quite motivational at times). Sometimes, when I don’t feel accepted, I try to change my persona around that un-accepting group. 

And this leads us to my next point…

I need to stay true to myself to be happy. When I change my persona to become accepted (usually unconsciously) like I mentioned previously, I am about as unhappy as I’ll ever be as soon as I notice it. It will eat at me for a while and wear me down until I can’t keep associating with those people because I have to wear that persona around them. To be happy, I have to act according to my ideals and what I believe, not what other people want me to believe.

A similar concept is loneliness.

I cannot be alone if I am to be happy. This has many implications. It applies to the day-to-day: I need human interaction, to some extent, on most days. Also, I think I will need a wife to be happy with my life in the future. I really want someone that I can spend the rest of my days with. I want to share the human experience with another. I also want to have close friends – there is a strange loneliness that arises from having too many friends. There is an inability to grow close with anyone when you are spreading your time thin between too many people. I want to avoid that in my life, and I want to grow close with a small group of friends.

Finally, and most importantly, I want to add a sense of order to my life; I would like to have a strong idea of my identity. I do not have this yet.